Just for Fun
A Cat's Diary
DAY 752 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to bring fear to their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmmm ... Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning, foamy chemical called 'shampoo'. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices- I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call ‘beer'. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power ‘allergies'. Must learn what this is and how to use to my advantage.
DAY 774 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But .... I can wait...It is only a matter of time....
Doggy Dictionary
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear and inhale deeply, repeat several times or until you person makes you stop.
Deafness: A malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in when they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly, then running in the opposite direction, or laying down.
Thunder: A signal that the world is coming to an end. As humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling you eyes wildly and following at their heels.
Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house.
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people, after eating, it is polite to rub up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
Bath: The process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Goosebump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular "bump" doesn't get the attention you require, especially effective when combined with the "sniff". See above.
Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Printed in the Therapy Dogs Incorporated News Magazine by Lynne Williams, Madison, ME.
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.